Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize