he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
