3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
