Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize