Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
