remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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