If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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