I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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