it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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