matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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