just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
