she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
