like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
