I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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