Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
