I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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