dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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