so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
