Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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