I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
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