Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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