you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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