Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
