I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
