Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
