I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
