i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
dude i'm inner monologue high
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
