I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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