Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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