I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
