Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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