ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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