You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
