if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
