I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
