closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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