My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
