i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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