Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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