Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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