My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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