By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
