I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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