ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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