I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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