My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
