i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
