i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
40s are totally the cure
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
