Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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