The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you didnt know i had herpes?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
