this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
