if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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