She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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