I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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