He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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