Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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