why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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