Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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