I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
