Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
