A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
