Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
