We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
