6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
