my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
