I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
