She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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