She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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