My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
