and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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