Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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