The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize