Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize