I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
