I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
