Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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