I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
