It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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