It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
