Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
