So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
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